May 23, 2024 – A ramble to fill a deeply lonely void

Heart hurts and I’m frustrated. I harbor so much shame for myself that I cannot even record a vlog for myself without becoming upset and wanting to cry. wild!

It is one of those weeks where I feel like I’m not getting better. I just feel stagnant and alone. I feel nothing but petulant wwith an upset stomach. Angry about things that I cannot change, angry abou thtings I should’ve when I had the chance. Angry about my choices, “good” and “bad”. The choices of others. Angry about the state of my mind, the state of the world. Angry. Angry I struggle to forgive. Angry that it seems impossible to move forward again because I know how awful I am and have been. Angry because no matter what I do I feel like it’s wrong. Angry. Angry. Angry.

I think anger, shame, and frustration would be the top three emotions I have felt in my life if someone were to quantify the way I feel by frequency. The worst part is that I feel bad about that fact. I feel bad that I struggle to feel some other way because that means there’s something wrong with me. Since there’s something wrong with me I feel ashamed, frustrated and angry.

A fucking stupid loop. Endless, self-fulfilling, and suffocating.

I am so desperate to matter that I clung to superficial aspects of myself that seemed the most important because those things are what people identified as being interesting or valuable in me. I dont matter to myself so I made sure I never would. Didnt bother to work on myself when I shouldve. Didnt bother to make good choices because who fucking cares. I forgot my hobbies and forced myself to lose interest in them because who fucking cares and I am not someone that gets to have the luxury of passion or hobbies or fun. I put down my head and threw myself into the worst career I could choose for myself because it was demonstrated as lucrative ONCE by someone I admire and seemed like something “stupid me” could do so thats what I forced myself to do. Now I’m a loser nearing thirty having to start from square one because I decided randomly to wake up one day and I hated what I woke up to.

I say “wake up” but I was concious the whole time. The whole time I gave up on and hurt myself and everyone in my life (maybe). For a long time I felt like a victim. Like it was wholly my families fault that I ended up this way. While the dynamic I grew up in was definitely toxic and unconducive of an adult that would work well in society, I still had the choice to give in or not. I CHOSE to give in and become nothing. With social relationships

I feel disconnected and alone. I gave up on people and i dont know how to come back from taht. I let someone hurt me very badly and let it set the tone for the way I consider people who want to be in my life. I just dont know how get past the fact that I dont fucking trust people for some reason and it sucks. What I do now is be the untrustworthy asshole so that people leave me alone. Either that or I just ghost people wwithout warning once I’m not directly in front of them. Both are cowardly behaviors. Both are so stupid. I can even just tell people “I’m a genuinely bad person, but im in recovery for that. I need time away from people right now” I have to continue to make bad people choices. WHY.

To be completely honest with myself It’s not like any of this is new behavior. I’ve always struggled with social relationships. I’ve always struggled to feel “right”. I’ve never been able to pin point why but not without trying. At this point I’m tired and I think I’m just bad at being a person.

I dont even know how to give up either. I keep persisting and trying even when it feels fucking useless like it does this week. Typical human behavior there though (and I am thankful for it). The need to preserve ourselves despite it making no sense to do so. It’s like I’m trying to save myself even when my legs are caught under a hydraulic press and no longer work. I still think I can run away from what wants to hurt me.

….. WENT ON A WALK! i FEEL BETTER. i WONDER IF i AM HAVING THESE FEELINGS BECAUSE i AM MAKING AN EFFORT TO NOT COVET HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS AND LEARN THAT IT IS OKAY THAT YOUR PARENTS DONT LOVE YOU AND NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE YOU IN THE WAY THAT YOU NEED. iT’S LIKE GIVING UP AN ADDICTION. i FEEL THE SAME TIGHTNESS IN MY CHEST THAT MY VAPE LEFT WHEN i GAVE IT UP A FEW MONTHS AGO. i HOPE THIS PAIN IS FOR GOOD. i WILL MAKE IT FOR GOOD.

iN POSITIVE i HAVE BEEN FILLING MY TIME WITH FURTHER EDUCATION. mOSTLY TO PROVE TO MYSELF WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT i AM CAPABLE OF SOMETHING WHICH MEANS i SHOULD BE CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING. anyways. i PASSED THE FOUNDATIONAL COURSE FOR THE PROGRAM i’M DOING WITH AN a AND i AM VERY PLEASED WITH THAT! wASN’T A 100% BUT IT WAS DAMN CLOSE AND i’LL ACCEPT THAT. i ALSO WANNA SAY ITS A SELF PROPELLED COURSE WITH NO INSTRUCTOR WHERE MY EXAMS COULD BE ODNE WITH MY NOTES OPEN NEXT TO ME IF i WANTED TO. bUT i’M TAKING IT SERIOUSLY AND DOING MY DUE DILIGENCE TO ABSORB INFORMATION AND ACT ON IT.

i AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR ADMITTING i AM AN ANGRY, ASHAMED, FRUSTRATED PERSON THAT LEARNED TO LIE TOO MUCH AND LOOKS TO SUBSTANCES AND PEOPLE FOR COMFORT INSTEAD OF MYSELF. aDMITTING THAT IS STEP ONE. nOW WE ARE NOT THAT. i AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR WORKING HARD. i’M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR TAKING A STEP BACK IN EVERY WAY i NEEDED TO WHEN i DID. i AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR PERSISTING THROUGH LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AND THE PAIN OF CHANGING HABITS. i AM PROUD OF MYSELF FOR NOT GIVING IN WHEN i FEEL SUPER WEAK. i AM GOING TO BECOME BETTER IF i KEEP PERSISTING.